Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Dr. Phil Talks to Britney and Kevin

From MSNBC's Jeanette Walls:

Britney Spears had some harsh advice for her hubby regarding his nascent singing career: Don’t get your hopes up. Kevin Federline recently brought home some music he’d recorded and he played it for Spears, according to the new issue of In Touch Weekly.

His efforts were “greeted with hurtful laughter from his superstar wife, who was unimpressed,” reports the mag. “She said his debut CD might sell ‘a hundred, maybe a thousand’ copies if he was lucky,’” an “insider” told the mag, who added, “Kevin looked really hurt.”

Fade in:

TV Studio Int.- Day.

Studio audience is applauding.

PHIL

Welcome back. Kevin and Britney have been married for a little over a year. They just became parents to a baby boy. Their busy schedules, combined with these major life changes they've been going through, have put a strain on their relationship. Britney has been nagging Kevin and putting him down, while Kevin has been staying out partying.

(PHIL turns to KEVIN)

Kevin? Kevin. What are you doing? You're staying out late, going to night clubs, and spending your wife's money on drugs and strippers. Do you have nothing better to do with yourself than that, Kevin?

KEVIN

Yo, Phil, me and my crew, we's just keepin it real's all. You know how we do, son!

PHIL

I'm glad you mentioned that, Kevin. You're a father to a new son, right? Your son wants and needs to be with his daddy, okay? That is your responsibility.

KEVIN

Phil, my shorty and me, we's tight, you know what I'm saying? He know what it takes to be a player! I don't need no babymama gettin' all up in my grill, tellin' me I gotta pick up Pampers on the way home, and that I need to spend more "quality time" with my boy. I ain't hearin' that.

PHIL

Yeah... now Kevin, you are a slightly successful hip-hop dancer, correct? And your wife, Britney, is a hugely successful pop star. She makes quite a bit more money than you do, doesn't she? That means you aren't really the breadwinner in the family, right? Uh-huh. And that may be a challenge to your manhood, to your notions of family roles. You may be acting out of some resentment about your wife's success. That's something I think you need to take a look at.

KEVIN

Yeah, ah-ight. I guess maybe I been acting a little passive-aggressive.

PHIL

And as for your music, Kevin, listen to me. Britney has sold millions of records, it's true. But she ain't doin' that based on musical talent--

BRITNEY

Hey!

PHIL (to Britney)

You will not talk when Dr. Phil is talking!

(To Kevin)

But I understand: she's your wife, you want her to support you. But Kevin, you're not there, changing the diapers. You're not there, getting up in the middle of the night to heat up a bottle.

BRITNEY

Tha's right, Phil. Tell it!

PHIL

Britney! This is my show and you will shut your mouth! Kevin? She might feel a little resentment about you're not being around and helping her out. You might want to think about that.

KEVIN

I feel ya, Phil. But check it: I don't feel like, appreciated an shit. I haven't been like, able to communicate that.

PHIL

There you go, Kevin!

KEVIN

Yo, I just wanna send a shoutout to my brother Brandon, who's getting his pilot's license today, and to my personal trainer Dale. Peace!

PHIL

Kevin? I want you to shut up. Just sit there and be pretty. I'm gonna speak to Britney now, okay? Britney? Do you understand that what you said hurt Kevin's feelings? If you really didn't like his music, couldn't you have found a more sensitive, constructive way to express it?

BRITNEY

Yeah, I guess so, but damn, y'all! You shoulda heard it, Phil! It sounded like a bad hair metal cover band. But no, I probably could have said it nicer than I did.

PHIL

Yeah, that's what I thought. Britney, this isn't really about Kevin's music, is it? What's really bothering you? You need to look at this, and you need to get real.

(Britney starts to cry.)

Ask yourself, why am I really mad at Kevin? Is it really that he is a half-rate talent, a gold-digging himbo? Or is it something else? What would be a more productive approach to dealing with it?

Britney, why don't you tell Kevin what's really bothering you.

BRITNEY (Sobbing)

I'm afraid you won't find me attractive after the baby.

PHIL

What about that, Kevin? You did dump Shar Jackson for Britney while Shar was pregnant with your child.

KEVIN

You know, that's true but that ain't gonna happen this time. For reals, this time I am in it to win it, yo.

PHIL

Good. And what are you going to do differently to meet her needs?

KEVIN

I guess... I guess I should spend less time doin stuff like getting my hair braided, and more time being an attentive father and husband. And bein' a better communicator and whatnot.

PHIL

And Britney? What are you going to do differently?

BRITNEY

I'm gonna try to be more understanding of his need to feel like he contributes something to the world.

PHIL

Good. You two need to understand that communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. That communication is gonna take work, and you can't always get your publicist to do it for you.

(To camera)

After the break, we'll catch up with Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, and see how they're doing.

Studio audience applauds.

Fade out.

6 Comments:

At 6:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

that's cool. i like transcripts about famous people.

 
At 9:25 PM, Blogger riseyp said...

love it!!

 
At 7:58 AM, Blogger Alice said...

ha... "I'm gonna try to be more understanding of his need to feel like he contributes something to the world." good luck with THAT, brit....

 
At 9:06 AM, Blogger Anne said...

So after reading the "she walks" blog I clicked the pawn link and randomly started reading. Thinking I was reading a random blog. Well, Reading, Reading, Reading and I figured I'd scroll up to see WHO it was that was writing this blog. Ah Ha! Its you, Ish. No I don't know you. You don't know me. But damn you're kinda funny. I'm glad that Kristy (who I also don't know, I'm just an IIF) and you are dating. I'm sure that you were just waiting on baited breath for my approval. So anyway, you're funny. I'm glad everything is working out.

 
At 1:29 AM, Blogger haji-o-matic said...

DAMN...I've been trying to channel Dr Phil for YEARS...and you do it effortlessly. (Know I know how unemployed comics spend thier free time!)

 
At 12:41 PM, Blogger Sydney said...

LMAO - actually, that sounds about EXACTLY as brainless as their real conversations. Not to mention Dr. Phils...

 

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