Coffee and a Muffin; Is That Too Much to Ask?

So I'm running to work the other day, and I stop off at my neighborhood grocery store to get breakfast. I don't have any cash, and they take plastic.

I grab coffee and a muffin and head for the check stand. I swipe my card.

"May I see your card, please?" the cashier asks.

I hand him my card.

"May I see your driver's license?"

Come now. Is this really necessary? I'm buying COFFEE. And a MUFFIN. I'm starting to think this cashier is intent on having the Employee of the Month award renamed in his honor (which would make it the "DAVID").

But fine. Fine. I just want to get my breakfast and get to work.

"This doesn't look like you," he says.

Okay, how am I supposed to respond to that? I haven't had my coffee yet. He sounded amiable enough though, so I say, "yeah well, it's pretty close though, isn't it?" I try to lighten the mood with a little humor. Ha ha! Joking. That's what I do.

You get that, right? It's not like I was at airport security, and someone asked me if I had any explosives and I said, "why, what do you need?" That would be bad.

I was just being friendly, I thought. Breezy! But I guess David is not feeling that. He calls Enrique over.

Enrique is the Manager. At least I am assuming so, because he has a little swagger, and he has keys. David shows Enrique my license and my credit card. He's hanging onto to both of them, and it's making me nervous. I went into the grocery store, and now I feel like I'm trying to sneak through Customs.

"Yeah, this doesn't look like you," says Enrique. David shifts his head just slightly, I think to signal his vindication.

"Yeah, well, I used to have hair. That's an old picture," I say. I'm being serious now. Clearly, this was not a good time for me to be testing out material.

While they are looking at my card and license, the charge goes through, and I sign the receipt. David takes the receipt.

"These signatures don't match either," says David. Criminy.

"Yes, well, normally I don't sign my name on a desk the size of a sandwich with a pen on a 2-inch long chain."

Yes. Yes, I was starting to lose my patience. Did I mention that I hadn't had my coffee?

"Look, if the card was stolen, I wouldn't be here using it to buy coffee and a bran muffin."

Apparently Enrique is swayed by this. Besides, I think he also wants to let David know who the decision maker is around there. (Hint: not David. Not me.)

"Are you a regular customer?"

Regular. Heh. "I will be after I eat that bran muffin," I reply.

Oof, that was bad. Now I'm glad they're not getting my jokes. I make a mental note to write that down anyway.

Finally Enrique rubs his chin, then gives David the nod and swaggers off to hold court at another check stand.

David surrenders my card and license. "Thanks for shopping with us."

From now on, whenever I get a new credit card, I'm not going to sign it at home. I'm going to wait, and then sign it at the grocery store, with their crappy pen on their crappy little desk.

Oh, maybe I can use one of my headshots on my next driver's license! Then David will say, "you look like you're trying to be funny." Perfect.