Thursday, October 20, 2005

Coffee and a Muffin; Is That Too Much to Ask?

So I'm running to work the other day, and I stop off at my neighborhood grocery store to get breakfast. I don't have any cash, and they take plastic.

I grab coffee and a muffin and head for the check stand. I swipe my card.

"May I see your card, please?" the cashier asks.

I hand him my card.

"May I see your driver's license?"

Come now. Is this really necessary? I'm buying COFFEE. And a MUFFIN. I'm starting to think this cashier is intent on having the Employee of the Month award renamed in his honor (which would make it the "DAVID").

But fine. Fine. I just want to get my breakfast and get to work.

"This doesn't look like you," he says.

Okay, how am I supposed to respond to that? I haven't had my coffee yet. He sounded amiable enough though, so I say, "yeah well, it's pretty close though, isn't it?" I try to lighten the mood with a little humor. Ha ha! Joking. That's what I do.

You get that, right? It's not like I was at airport security, and someone asked me if I had any explosives and I said, "why, what do you need?" That would be bad.

I was just being friendly, I thought. Breezy! But I guess David is not feeling that. He calls Enrique over.

Enrique is the Manager. At least I am assuming so, because he has a little swagger, and he has keys. David shows Enrique my license and my credit card. He's hanging onto to both of them, and it's making me nervous. I went into the grocery store, and now I feel like I'm trying to sneak through Customs.

"Yeah, this doesn't look like you," says Enrique. David shifts his head just slightly, I think to signal his vindication.

"Yeah, well, I used to have hair. That's an old picture," I say. I'm being serious now. Clearly, this was not a good time for me to be testing out material.

While they are looking at my card and license, the charge goes through, and I sign the receipt. David takes the receipt.

"These signatures don't match either," says David. Criminy.

"Yes, well, normally I don't sign my name on a desk the size of a sandwich with a pen on a 2-inch long chain."

Yes. Yes, I was starting to lose my patience. Did I mention that I hadn't had my coffee?

"Look, if the card was stolen, I wouldn't be here using it to buy coffee and a bran muffin."

Apparently Enrique is swayed by this. Besides, I think he also wants to let David know who the decision maker is around there. (Hint: not David. Not me.)

"Are you a regular customer?"

Regular. Heh. "I will be after I eat that bran muffin," I reply.

Oof, that was bad. Now I'm glad they're not getting my jokes. I make a mental note to write that down anyway.

Finally Enrique rubs his chin, then gives David the nod and swaggers off to hold court at another check stand.

David surrenders my card and license. "Thanks for shopping with us."

From now on, whenever I get a new credit card, I'm not going to sign it at home. I'm going to wait, and then sign it at the grocery store, with their crappy pen on their crappy little desk.

Oh, maybe I can use one of my headshots on my next driver's license! Then David will say, "you look like you're trying to be funny." Perfect.


At 12:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i like women who pay by check.

At 12:42 PM, Blogger Dan said...

I will be after I eat that bran muffin.

I had to tell another employee I was choking on my gum because reading that line made my eyes water!

That's hilarious.

At 12:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

thanks dan.

At 8:49 PM, Blogger haji-o-matic said...

I'll be a regular reader from now on.

Why don't canibals eat clowns??

Cause they taste funny

At 6:48 PM, Blogger Michelle said...

Geesh. You are buying a freakin' muffin and a coffee! What it's about a $5 puchase? Hello...David and Enrique need to take the bagel out of their buttcheeks.

Enjoyed your funny sense of humor. Will be back for more!

At 10:28 AM, Blogger Dan said...

Since your blog template now looks like mine I took the liberty of changing my blog pic to resemble yours.

Do I look angry in mine?

At 12:03 PM, Blogger Ish said...


I don't know about angry, but a little irritated!

Anyway, I like it.

At 12:05 PM, Blogger Dan said...

I was thinking I looked more constipated than irritated but I like it too.

It's a keeper!

At 1:39 PM, Blogger Sydney said...

May I just say...

What a stupid fuck.
Speaking about David of course.

The David

At 4:30 PM, Blogger T.I. said...

Same thing happened to me once. In Calcutta. There was much worry as we followed the merchant from little corner store, to his friend the travel agent's little booth, to his brother the money-changer's little booth, until somebody got a signature they liked and the problem evaporated. It being Calcutta and wintertime and twilight, we were walking past little children who were brushing their teeth at the pump on the sidewalk, getting ready for bed on the sidewalk.

At 11:27 AM, Blogger Shananigans said...

Hehe…regular. I hate it when people don’t get my jokes.

At 5:52 AM, Blogger haji-o-matic said...

Sidewalks! Here in Afghanistan we don't have SIDEWALKS. We just lie down in the dust next to the landmines. And PUMPS to brush teeth...LUXURY! We dash (through the minefields...past the Taliban ) to the river to get a muddy boot full of water then dash back up hill dodging bullets all the way. MAVEN I don't want to hear your complaining any more. Give me Calcutta!

At 6:14 AM, Blogger Dan said...

What's become of the US Army? When I was in the Canadian Military we had bowls and fresh freezing cold water to shave and wash out of.

Of course we weren't in Afghanistan, just Southern Ontario, but still...


Keep up the good work and stay safe Haji!

At 11:53 AM, Blogger Alice said...

regular... *snort* heehee

i bet david went home and told all his friends about how he nearly stopped a terrorist from using a stolen credit card to buy a muffin. excellent work, david!


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