Wednesday, October 26, 2005

I Violated the Protocol

Let me set the scene:

Awhile back, I'm at a dive bar in the Mission. I walk in with a group of friends, and the first thing I see as my eyes adjust to the darkness is two enormous dogs wrestling on the floor.

Typical dive bar in the Mish. You know.

There is a third dog, "Bandit," who is fetching a beer coaster thrown by patrons of the establishment. She's good, too-- she catches the coaster in mid-air, brings it back, and then stares at it, waiting for it to be thrown again. She's 100% focused on the coaster. What a good dog!

I love dogs, so I start to throw the coaster for her. The first time, she runs and catches it, brings it back. I throw it again, she brings it back. We're playing. We're having fun! Right?

Then I reach for the coaster again, somewhat absent-mindedly, and all of a sudden, Bandit bites my hand. It shocked me more than it hurt.

I'm looking at my hand to assess the damage, when a guy at the bar says, "she'll do that. You don't want to grab it til she's ready."

"Oh," I say. "Sorry."

Apparently this is Bandit's owner. He's wearing extra long shorts, a wife beater, a Yankees hat and a not insignificant amount of tattoo ink. He looked like a cross between Kevin Federline and a Sharpie. This look is known in the Mission as "totally normal."

Fortunately, Bandit didn't break the skin. It was just a nip, Bandit's way of letting me know, "hey, I wasn't ready. Pay attention."

"It's not like she's got rabies or nothin," chimes in another guy at the bar.

Of course not, I wasn't worried about that. Bringing a rabid dog into a bar would be irresponsible. Everyone knows that.

The friend who brought me to this particular establishment was sympathetic, but also kindly explained to me what must have happened.

"I guess you violated the protocol," she said.

What is this, a United Nations meeting? Were we following Robert's Rules of Order?

"Mr. Chairman, I'd like to introduce a motion that I be allowed to throw a beer coaster for a dog in a bar. Second? All in favor? Opposed? The motion is carried."

I should have known, actually. If I had been paying closer attention, I would have noticed that Bandit really did have a protocol. She would retrieve the coaster, then fiddle with it a bit at your feet before dropping it and taking a step back to signal that, hey, human, time for you to throw it again.

I wasn't paying attention, so I missed the signal. Thus, the nip on the hand. My bad.

I mean sure, it would have been nice if K-Fed/Sharpie had shown a little interest in my well-being. But hey, I did violate the protocol.


At 8:50 PM, Blogger haji-o-matic said...

I violated several protocols with my first wife...wish I had read this post years ago.
She didn't fetch too well either.

At 9:11 PM, Anonymous Kirin said...

what's a Sharpie?

At 9:35 PM, Blogger Ish said...

A Sharpie is a black indelible marker.

At 8:37 AM, Anonymous Kirin said...

Yeah, that's what I thought. I guess I don't get it. But the post is still good.

At 10:57 AM, Blogger Tiffany said...



Too funny...

At 11:38 AM, Blogger Sydney said...

Too funny, so you're down at the old Ish-Mish and you get nailed by SharpKevie's dog. Nevermind on that one, I couldnt think of a good way to nail those two names together, the Kevin Sharpie thing that is.

By the way, did you SEE any of the vomit inducing Brit/Kev video that they put on tv last week? I happened to be thumbing through the channels and the sheer vapidness sucked me in. Are those two really that stupid?

They kept talking about the "deep" conversations they have. So I sat patiently and waited. And waited. And waited.

At 2:28 PM, Blogger Alice said...

how about "karpie"? or "sharpin"? or.. um... "kevpie"? ok, i'm stopping now...

that would have freaked me out. i have, at best, a tenuous relationship with dogs. if they do something like, oh, BITE me, i'll be awfully jumpy the rest of the night.

At 9:20 AM, Blogger Sydney said...

Karpie. Thats PERFECT.

I'll bet Brit calls Federline KevPie. Uggh. Truly. Someone besides me has to check that Brit/Kev show out. It is truly not to be believed and I just need SOMEONE else to validate my nausea.

At 9:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

kevin federline is very talented. does anyone know what he did prior to the britney show?

At 11:17 AM, Blogger Dan said...

I believe he did Shar Jackson.

Badum bum!

Thank you, thank you. Be sure to tip your waitress. (Ish, that's a set up)


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