Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Thanksgiving Recap

I hope you had a great Thanksgiving. Mine was very nice, thank you for asking. Had lots of turkey, which was delicious.

We had the fried turkey and let me tell you, it rocked. The skin gets nice and crispy, and the bird stays nice and moist. In this respect, it was quite different from the traditional dried out turkey. You eat that dry turkey, along with some nice dry corn muffins, and you need to drink a gatorade to fight off dehydration. I remember one year having muffins so dry, just pitching a dozen or so of these into New Orleans would have dried that city out in about an hour.

After the turkey is done cooking, you're left with a huge vat of boiling oil. What are you supposed to do with that? Well, if you lived in a castle and were under attack, it would be a delicious way to repel an attack. Next year, I'm going to be prepared-- as soon as the turkey comes out, in go the twinkies. Fried turkey and fried twinkies? Now there's something to be thankful for.

I have a co-worker at my day job who told me that in order to accommodate his niece, who is a vegetarian, they had tofurkey.

Yes, tofurkey. Tofu turkey. Tofurkey.

What the tofuck?

You wanna eat vegetables? Fine, go nuts! Eat vegetables! But must you perpetuate this silliness of pretending they are meat? Why not just use your imagination and pretend that the broccoli you're eating is honey-baked ham? Hell, why not imagine it's ham with magical powers? And I will pretend that my second helping of turkey is really a small green salad.

This is not how we do things at my Thanksgiving table. No sir.

You want tofurkey? Oh, I'll give you your tofurkey. And here-- here are the mashed potatoes. Only this year, we've made our mashed potatoes using a potato substitute-- called turkey.

More salad, please!


At 1:31 AM, Anonymous Lizzie said...

Have you ever tried any of those tofu meals? They are amazingly good. My friend made me breakfast once with tofu-sausage patties. He waited until I was done before telling me what it was. I never knew the difference. You really should try one.

At 3:58 AM, Blogger haji-o-matic said...

If you waer Birkenstocks while eating Tofurky do you lose or gain karama points?
I need to know...I'm losing sleep.

At 6:24 PM, Blogger Ish said...

Lizzie, I get that there's a place for tofu. Like, if you can't eat sausage for health reasons (shudder). But if you choose not to eat meat, okay, but then why make your vegetables look and taste like meat? It's like someone asking their boyfriend to wear women's clothes. I think the vegetables will be embarrassed and a tad confused.

At 6:26 PM, Blogger Ish said...


Perhaps you should try the new Tofurkenstocks. Finally, an ergonomically designed sandal that's made from soy but looks like leather.

At 1:26 PM, Anonymous Kirin said...

OK - "What the tofuck?" just made me laugh so hard. Sounds like it could be a line from AD. And that's a compliment.

At 9:23 PM, Blogger terry said...

can you deep-fry egg nog??


what i was really going to say is that if you end up someplace where they're NOT frying the turkey, suggest they brine it. OMIGOD, you won't believe how good it is.

and there were very simple directions in a recent food section of the chron.


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