Friday, February 08, 2008

Randy Jackson has trouble with numbers.

I'm a fan of American Idol and I like Randy Jackson, but seriously, I'm not sure he has a firm grip on the meaning of numbers. Example:

Randy listens to auditioner #1. He's good. Simon says yes, Paula says yes. What does Randy say?

"For me it's a thousand percent yes, dog. Welcome to Hollywood!"

Cut to auditioner #2. She is also good. Simon says yes, Paula weeps and says "you have a beautiful heart," Simon audibly rolls his eyes. And Randy says:

"One million percent yes! You're going to Hollywood!"

Did Randy really like auditioner #2 a thousand times more than he liked auditioner #1? Does Randy mean it when he conveys to us the fact that he believes that singer #1 has only 0.001 as much talent as singer #2? I doubt it. I suspect he has a limited capacity to understand the meaning of numbers.

In fact, the modern world and its number systems have created limitless potential for hyperbole. Randy's on a slippery slope, I think. Soon, he'll say yes to someone "infinity percent." And then he'll wonder: where to go from there? Infinity plus 1? Infinity plus 2? No! Infinity times 2! No, wait! Wait! Infinity squared!

And then his brain will go pop! and he'll start sounding like John Nash from "A Beautiful Mind." Paula will seem lucid by comparison.

I wonder if Randy has similar problems with spatial reasoning, and other measurement concepts.

Officer: "Do you know how fast you were going, Mr. Jackson?"

Randy: "Well, I would guess I was doing about... four tablespoons."

What if Randy gave you directions to his house?

"Take the 405 north and go about 2000 miles to the exit for Sherman Oaks, and then turn right. Keep going on that for about 6 or 7 years. My place is the 86th house on the left."

Randy wouldn't have had this problem in a more primitive society. He still would have been hyperbolic - that's what show business people do - but he would have had fewer options: 1, 2 or many.

Cut to Primitive American Idol:

Simon: "Paula?"

Paula (weeping): "I... you know, you just glow up there. And I love your deerskin slippers. I say 'one-yes.'"

Simon: "Randy, yes or no?"

Randy: "For me it was a 'many-yes.' Welcome to Hollywood, dog!"

An added bonus of Primitive Idol is that the chances of Ryan Seacrest being devoured by a Sabre-toothed tiger would increase by at least, I don't know, a million percent.


At 6:57 AM, Anonymous Fiona said...

Too funny, dog!

At 11:08 AM, Blogger Green said...

This was like, your funniest post in the last two years! Will you post on here next time you're doing standup in the city?

At 2:59 PM, Blogger Jesse said...

I am really glad you started blogging again. Maybe your reemergence will shame me into updating mine.

At 5:09 PM, Blogger Tracy said...

You made Randy sound like my six year old daughter. She'll say things like "Mom, I love you a gagillion, million, tri-billion percent!" Maybe his mind just never progressed past a six year old's level?


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