Tuesday, January 22, 2008

I Have Some Opinions About Stuff

Well, I still don't know if I want to blog, or what to write about, but I'll see what I can figure out. And by the way, isn't that an irresistible come-on? Just in case the title of the post didn't clinch it for you.

Hey! Come read the blog I may or may not write, I haven't decided! What's it about? I don't know! I'm totally uncommitted!

So whatever. I'm the Fred Thompson of blogging.

One of the things my comedy sensei, Miyagi-san, taught me was a trick to help generate material when you're out of ideas*: make a list of things you have negative opinions about about which you have negative opinions.

Okay, that's one right there: the prohibition on dangling participles. I mean, you start caring too much about where prepositions go and before you know it, your dialog doesn't sound conversational anymore. It just sounds fucked up.

Or perhaps, grammar fascists, I should say, "it sounds like a thing, up which is fucked." Happy?


Another thing I hate: most TV ads, starting with the current ad campaign by Southwest Airlines featuring "Nick," the sales guy who's flying Southwest, which is enhancing his productivity, resulting in speculation that he is somehow cheating to gain an edge. You see? It's really a clever commentary on the current scandal involving athletes and performance enhancing drugs. stupid, stupid ad campaign. So stupid is it, that I hit "mute" the instant it comes on so that I don't have to listen to it for the .05 seconds it takes me to change the channel.


Another Ad I Hate: those Schwab ads featuring the cartoonized people speaking directly to the camera. Oh, yes, those are very persuasive. Again, as a comedian, I am constitutionally required to wonder out loud how that pitch meeting went down:
Ad Man: "So the idea is this: did you see the movie 'A Scanner Darkly?'"
Schwab Guy: "Scan her what?"
Ad Man: "'A Scanner Darkly.' Great flick.
You really ought to see it. Anyway, it had this great look, with real actors made to look like animated cartoons."
Schwab Guy: "What? Like mimes? Or clowns?"
Ad Man: "Hm. Not quite. They used digital effects, not makeup."
Schwab Guy: "We should use cartoon characters to sell investments?"
Ad Man: "Again, not cartoon characters per se. [Ad Man makes mental note: look up the term"per se."] They're real people."
Schwab Guy: "Well... if you're sure we can't get the gecko or Jared, then go ahead."
Color me unconvinced. Here's my problem:

Do you see why I'm having trouble with it?


One last one: the ads for "Lunesta," the sleep aid. The ones that feature the creepy glowing butterfly of death, which flits down upon your restless body and with a single touch, snuffs the life out of you puts you into a deep relaxing sleep. Ah, sweet release of death sleep.

I would probably be asleep already if I weren't afraid that a large radioactive butterfly might float into the room to send me on to eternal rest.


Update: Yeah. So apparently some time in the last 6 months or so, I became a cranky old man. I really am the Fred Thompson of blogging.

You kids stay off my lawn!

*This assumes you have actually tried to write. This doesn't really help you if your problem is that you're too lazy to actually engage in the activity of writing jokes.

Next: What's the matter with young people these days?


At 5:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i don't think i could ever actually write my own joke, but i did hear one the other day that i thought you might appreciate:

a nun, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar. the bartender says "what is this a joke?"

At 9:44 AM, Blogger Green said...

The commercial annoying me lately is the one for the online stuff from H&R Block with the guy who bought some other software and his wife telling him to tell the box he's stuck. So he leans towards the box like he's speaking into a microphone and says, "I'm stuck."

At 7:25 PM, Blogger hilary said...

How about the one where Sally Field tells us she can't be bothered or inconvenienced to take her osteoporosis pill once a week, so she opts for the once-a-month Boniva?

She can't remember to take a pill once a week?!?!?! Apparently osteoporosis affects memory. Good to know.

(Thanks for blogging again!)

At 1:26 PM, Blogger cuznate said...

did you know that the whole reason behind the "don't end the sentence with a preposition" is because some asshole scholar decided a couple hundred years ago that because that rule made sense in latin, and because english is supposed to be some classy, formal language, we should have that rule. in short, it's a bullshit rule - and that's from my mom the editor.

At 1:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I stumbled upon your blog just now...and you have me laughing out loud at my computer screen. Which is no small feat considering the amount of cold medicine coursing through my veins and deadening my normally razor-sharp senses. Thanks! I'll keep checking back...


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