I Have Some Opinions About Stuff

Well, I still don't know if I want to blog, or what to write about, but I'll see what I can figure out. And by the way, isn't that an irresistible come-on? Just in case the title of the post didn't clinch it for you.

Hey! Come read the blog I may or may not write, I haven't decided! What's it about? I don't know! I'm totally uncommitted!

So whatever. I'm the Fred Thompson of blogging.

One of the things my comedy sensei, Miyagi-san, taught me was a trick to help generate material when you're out of ideas*: make a list of things you have negative opinions about about which you have negative opinions.

Okay, that's one right there: the prohibition on dangling participles. I mean, you start caring too much about where prepositions go and before you know it, your dialog doesn't sound conversational anymore. It just sounds fucked up.

Or perhaps, grammar fascists, I should say, "it sounds like a thing, up which is fucked." Happy?

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Another thing I hate: most TV ads, starting with the current ad campaign by Southwest Airlines featuring "Nick," the sales guy who's flying Southwest, which is enhancing his productivity, resulting in speculation that he is somehow cheating to gain an edge. You see? It's really a clever commentary on the current scandal involving athletes and performance enhancing drugs. stupid, stupid ad campaign. So stupid is it, that I hit "mute" the instant it comes on so that I don't have to listen to it for the .05 seconds it takes me to change the channel.

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Another Ad I Hate: those Schwab ads featuring the cartoonized people speaking directly to the camera. Oh, yes, those are very persuasive. Again, as a comedian, I am constitutionally required to wonder out loud how that pitch meeting went down:

Ad Man: "So the idea is this: did you see the movie 'A Scanner Darkly?'"
Schwab Guy: "Scan her what?"
Ad Man: "'A Scanner Darkly.' Great flick.
You really ought to see it. Anyway, it had this great look, with real actors made to look like animated cartoons."
Schwab Guy: "What? Like mimes? Or clowns?"
Ad Man: "Hm. Not quite. They used digital effects, not makeup."
Schwab Guy: "We should use cartoon characters to sell investments?"
Ad Man: "Again, not cartoon characters per se. [Ad Man makes mental note: look up the term"per se."] They're real people."
Schwab Guy: "Well... if you're sure we can't get the gecko or Jared, then go ahead."

Color me unconvinced. Here's my problem:



Do you see why I'm having trouble with it?

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One last one: the ads for "Lunesta," the sleep aid. The ones that feature the creepy glowing butterfly of death, which flits down upon your restless body and with a single touch, snuffs the life out of you puts you into a deep relaxing sleep. Ah, sweet release of death sleep.

I would probably be asleep already if I weren't afraid that a large radioactive butterfly might float into the room to send me on to eternal rest.


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Update: Yeah. So apparently some time in the last 6 months or so, I became a cranky old man. I really am the Fred Thompson of blogging.

You kids stay off my lawn!

*This assumes you have actually tried to write. This doesn't really help you if your problem is that you're too lazy to actually engage in the activity of writing jokes.

Next: What's the matter with young people these days?